Never look an infant in the eye.  It will try to steal your soul.

-Laurie C Schultz

My dad used to tell me that once upon a time, a chicken shat me out on a fence post and that the sun hatched me from there.  For years, I believed that was my humble, yet incredibly disgusting, beginning.  By the time I was in my 30's, I realized how ridiculous that was.  I eventually learned that early in my life, my dad married a wicked woman who raised me, along with her two natural-born daughters.  Her biological girls were treated like royalty, while I was relegated to the basement to complete household chores.  Long story short, a couple of mice made me a dress and I went to a party where I lost my shoes and ended up homeless, and covered in pumpkin-innards.    True story.

It was during these trials and tribulations that I turned to smartassery.  It saved my life.  Now, I shall share it with you, (whether you like it or not).